What a crazy 24hours it has been. I am back in Kirkcaldy in a lovely room garden view and amazing people looking after me, but this is not where I want to be. I was told the hospice is easier for visitors but not really with covid. I can see one person, the same person each day. I was able to get a request in to see they boys today and that was amazing, but I am unsure if that is a regular thing. So I have spoken with the doctors and nurses and we are trying to work on a plan to get me home. This is not a moan or a complaint this is more a declaration that I'm just not hear yet. I am wanting to live what I can and not watching daytime tv and the next meal time to pass my day. It does worry me, the speed at which deterioration can happy, I have seen it with my parents but I also want to be brave enough not to hide away when I know there is so much more quality and love I can give my family. I know if I do get back when I leave again that will be me, but I hope I get to have the time between now and then. Most importantly though, I saw my boys today and it was amazing!!!! A lot of lumps in my throat with the over whelming love I have for them and just how sweet they are, they said all the lovely things I wanted to hear. They miss me, I am their best friend they love me so much, honestly I don't care if bribery was involved, I soaked it all in and felt every word. Soon enough we were giggling and playing, making videos, which further cemented my want to be at home. The hospice gave they boys a teddy each that I cuddle and charge with love and cuddles so when they are at home they can cuddle the monkeys and it was like getting a cuddle from their mum...well that was it, me and ross were trying to hold it together but it was such a lovely thing to do. Noah found it difficult to leave and there were tears, he didn't want to leave me....it was really hard to see, you want to protect your kids and be there for them, but we cannot lie and say don't worry, because his feelings are justified, we are all scared and I know they feel it. We just said it is ok to cry and to be scared, thankfully his dad messaged to say he was feeling a bit better not long after leaving. We have never hidden things from them but we haven't told them yet that mummy has to leave but we are getting support as to how to have that conversation with them. There will be many difficult conversations, but at least it is conversations we can have with them and I think it will help. Kids are so resilient and they have an amazing support network, I know they will be ok, but we a big supporters of mental health and we are speaking with Children and Family Services here to help us, and help the boys both now and after x For me, and Ross really, he has been saying the same thing, we have been overwhelmed with the support we have had from our friends and family, and others that we maybe do not know as well but have been in contact with words of love and support. It has been a while for me to be a practising catholic but to hear from local pastors and that members of the church are including me and my family in their prayers have been a true comfort. I have had some amazing conversations with people that would not have come about in any other circumstances and for that I am grateful to have had this opportunity. I have had photos that I have never seen before and spoken to school friends that have meant so much to me in my life. Lovely words about my parents and how in some ways I have impacted peoples lives. That in itself is amazing, they say to think about your legacy and what you let behind and I can be happy with what I have done. I also feel I am not done though, I an 36, can't move from the chest down but I have so much more I want to do. I may be dependant on time and people but there is many people living like this. So please include the disabled members of your community. It is so hard to be restricted when all you want to be is immersed in the people and community around you. I know covid has made it harder but I urge you connect with people after, when we can be near each other again. I have enjoyed my family covid bubble, thinking about my little frog pond, I wonder will the frog come back. Thinking about my bulbs, will I see them, my garden will like its sponsored by Gardeners World in a few weeks lol, its hard planting so many bulbs! It was nice though because they boys helped me plant them and we were talking about them today. I am lucky I did enjoy small things in life. I wasn't one for looking over at the greener grass, I learnt to appreciate what I had. Sure I liked good coffee and didn't eat meat from a tin but meat from a tin is just strange! The practical things about this situation is strange, no one can give you answers as we don't know how this will develop. You talk about resuscitation and level of treatment, where you want to pass away and funeral arrangements. Quality of life is my focus and I think is best for me and my family. No movement yet from my body, so no indication the tumours have shrunk but it is still early days, so keep up with those prayers, but there is no further treatment available to me. Mentally I feel good and strong. I have had amazing food and decent coffee brought to me, I have had a date night with Ross which was fab, miracle we managed to pick a movie we agreed on but couldn't go wrong with some Bad Boys lol. I saw my boys and hopefully it will get easier the more they visit, but hopefully I will get home. I will continue to write when I can. I know there are many families going through so much and also going through similar situations to myself so I want to say thank you for supporting me and my family. Also it is not about the money but I cannot not mention the support you have provided. I have a lot of guilt leaving behind my family but this has truly helped my financial concerns for my funeral etc and feel less of a burden on them. Thanks to you we can make a change to our bathroom to help me in getting home and we are humbled and grateful for your generosity. Thank you all so so much Creina x x
4 Comments
Claire swan
26/2/2021 05:46:48 pm
Oh my lovley friend an amazing woman and an amazing lady xx I am sending you the biggest hug ever xx we all love you all never forget that xxx keep being strong and brave and will see u soon from a distance xx love always sxs
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Gemma O Leary
26/2/2021 08:03:42 pm
My beautiful sister, I love you so much. X
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Lizette Franklin
27/2/2021 11:02:21 pm
Creina,, Just look at that beautiful smile of yours,, It is oozing with positivity and the love you have for those two boys on either side of you. You are so beautiful, inside and out. Your boys are so lucky to have you in their life.. I love you so much for who you are and you have taught me so much just by being you and you have given me so much perspective on life. Thank you.
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6/4/2023 04:43:08 am
I appreciate you mentioning that the hospice is supposedly easier for visits but not true for those with COVID. A lung infection has made my sister's daughter ill. I'll advise her to choose the in-home hospice since it is more secure against COVID.
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