Waited weeks and weeks for my mammogram. I'm usually pretty patient but knowing something was there I just wanted treatment....now. Ok never google symptoms...look at NHS, cancer research or macmillan websites only! I went to these sites first and started reading up on symptoms, I just wasn't convinced I had breast cancer. Which was strange as due to family history I always thought I would get breast cancer. Everything for me pointed to Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Being a Biological Science student I have access to research papers and the more I read up on Hodgkin's I just thought it made more sense. I sometimes had itchy legs but just thought it was leg hair growing back but had no other symptoms. Classic rapid weight loss, no ( I wish something would help me lose weight!), night sweats, nope. I was too old to have it, usually teens or young 20's, or above 70, but still I thought that was it. Waiting on a mammogram was frustrating, I just thought it was wasting time, delaying treatment.
Then I noticed I didn't have a collar bone on my left hand side. instead of a dip it bulged out. Only noticed when I was wearing a long chain. I started to have some internal freak out. I mean, I deserved to, right? I have a symptom. I started to get neck pain, and restricted movement, struggling to sleep at night, all within a week. I started to stress, how fast was this growing? I called my GP and he gave my some diazepam and referred me for a lymph node biopsy rather than waiting till after the mammogram. I felt slightly better, things were moving forward where I felt they should be going. I do think now a lot of my symptoms were me stressing out. Thankfully my amazing link nurse in plastics realised I was still waiting for my mammogram and got me an appointment the following day in Edinburgh. Fife were down a radiographer so delayed my appointment by weeks. Mammogram was clear, it was strange, my first positive result, felt kind of good! They also did my biopsy for my lymph node which was even better. The radiographer and my GP both thought Lymphoma was the likely outcome. A week later and there is was, my diagnosis, Hodgkin's Lymphoma. My dermatologist called me, my plastic surgeon called me and the haematologist called me, we were all delighted with the outcome, this was the cancer I wanted, this was the one I could beat! Pet scan, heart echo and lung function done finally the appointment to discuss my treatment. I was finally here, months of waiting. We start next week!
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As soon as I left the hospital I cried, I called Ross and my two sisters and just cried, thankfully the boys slept on the walk home so I could. You see cancer carries with it an emotion that is so raw for me. I'm not sure if its fear or a number of things but it can take my breath away like a punch in the gut.
I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was sixteen, and my father to colon cancer when I was twenty. The majority of their illness, I was sheltered from. When my dad was ill I had already moved to Scotland and my mother wanted to protect us, so never really spoke about it. You see I never lived with cancer, it just took precious people away from me. My Uncle and Aunt died of cancers, but thankfully another Aunt survived. Even in my adult years I met a lovely Irish lady, a friend of my sister who died from cancer, leaving a young daughter behind. Even then without really knowing her well, I sobbed for her, and for my loss. I didn't think cancer brought anything other than death and I had two young boys and husband that I was letting down. I will cause them so much pain. I remember one lesson when my mother died, that no matter how much your life is standing still and falling apart, life continues. Easier for others, but yes even my life went on. So now I had to deal with life and deal with what was happening to me. I opted for further tissue removal and a lymph node biopsy to see if there was any spread. The surgery went fine, I'm not very concerned about surgery, but the ward made it very real that I was ill. I mean, I didn't feel ill, no symptoms through any of this. There was three other ladies, all only had one breast! Another younger woman was bald, one breast and had a drainage tube coming from her armpit to a bottle at the side of her bed. She had been there for 10 days now and her five year old son was too scared to visit her so she had video called him that evening. I felt like a fraud being there. I had a chunk out of my leg and a two inch wound on my groin with a drainage cup the size of a thimble. They talked like they were part of a club...I wanted to decline the invite thanks! Skin cancer, its not that big of a deal is it? I'm mean there is worse cancers out there, isn't there? The more I read about cancers stories, the more scared I got. Skin cancer is very dangerous, your skin is your biggest organ! Take care of it (lecture over!!!) So surgery results showed tissue in my leg was clear but my sentinel lymph node showed a scattering of cells, I was gutted. Another hurdle to get over, and its hard to get negative news over and over again. It's hard being strong for the boys and my family and friends. It's hard to be ill with no obvious symptoms, and I'm sure a lot of people can relate to that. It was a grey result, I could choose to be monitored closely over the next five years or opt for further surgery. I opted for further surgery, anything to try and stop cancer! So more tests and scans and ready for my pre op appointment. Me and the boys all ready to walk to the hospital again and Ross finishes work early so meets us there, which is always nice as there can be a bit of a handful when you trying to listen to your surgeon. "I've got some bad news" you've got to be kidding me! My scan had come back showing growths in my left breast, armpit and neck. Thankfully Ross had made a typical Ross joke about my left breast being his favourite; just before I have to take my clothes off again. The surgeon and Ross had a giggle about how willing I was! It made the consultation bearable, and I was grateful for some light-heartedness in the room at that point. He couldn't feel anything, but scans don't lie. I was referred for a mammogram. I felt numb when I left, emotionally exhausted, no more tears or fear, they weren't helping anyway. Its so hard to get bad news over and over again, but that was when I left my cancer fear behind. I'm not scared anymore. I began to think about how lucky I was. If these events didn't happen, if I hadn't made the choices I did, I wouldn't know I had cancer, never mind two unrelated cancers. This could have been a completely different kind of blog! This was a difficult post to write (I deleted it by accident 3 times) but also emotionally, but I feel its important to share the fertilizer with the flowers! Please comment and let me know what you think, and if you have any stories you would like to share. Not all my posts should be this long but I do like to talk! I wasn't quite sure where to start, I really hope it picks up when I get into the swing of things....but start at the beginning and all that!
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March 2021
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