I was listening to Paloma Faiths new song, “Cry Baby”, and I actually find it so empowering! Those who know me know I’m a crier. Not even a pretty crier. Its turns really ugly, like red face, red eyes, runny nose and squished up face! I hope they don’t mind me saying but my two sisters, Gemma and Judith are the same. We can go from having a normal conversation to crying in .5 of a second. Gemma and I were talking about Doris on the phone a few weeks back and we were laughing, smiling and crying at the same time! Are others like this? Ross is used to my random tears watching tv! However, you know what I’m proud I cry, when I’m happy and sad, when I’m happy for others or when others cry, you know what I cry too! I mightn’t know why they’re crying, but it’s going to happen whether you like it or not! Oh, and I can stop crying just as fast, but sadly the red face and eyes remain for a while after!
Recently someone close to me said “Right I’ve cried now I need to just man up”, but why? Why did we, do we feel we must suppress or bodies natural way of relieving emotions. I’m sure there is stats and research out the that show positive changes in our bodies when we cry, ok our face might be a mess! I’ve heard from many people who talk about they’re mental health issues that the struggle to express their emotions. So, don’t think someone who’s crying is weak, or dramatic or seeking attention, you don’t know, if they cry at anything like me or they are dealing with something and they need a release of emotions. Anyway, have a listen, she says it better anyway! And next time you want to cry over spilt milk, just go for it, there’s nothing wrong it! Thank you, Paloma Faith, for my go to I want to feel ok song x x
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Thank you everyone for messages yesterday “Doris Day” it really means so much. I was a bit fed up walking in yesterday, it’s hard to keep walking into something that you know will make you feel like crap, but it’s not like I’m not going to turn up! Then life shows you, you know what love, put your big pants on!
My treatment when as normal, BP, temp and weight checked. Bloods are holding up good too! Got my slippers and my blanket on, and we had a window seat this week, all looking good! The was a really nice gentleman across from me, he was sleeping when we arrived “my kind of chemo neighbour!” When the nurses were over he was chatting to the nurse about his farm and how his son was wanting cameras to monitor the cows, and immediately reminded me of my Dad, I almost felt comforted by this man being here. He started feeling a bit nauseous and I noticed they were closely monitor his temp and blood pressure. He was warm and cold, and all very suddenly. He was giving paracetamol as his temp was rising and the nurse was keeping the doctor informed. He suddenly was sick and because of the force he squeezed the foil dish so his vomit went over him as well. I felt helpless because I couldn’t move to help him. As I say all the time the nurses were fab, put a screen up and cleaned him best they could, and were very light hearted about the situation. He was sobbing apologising to the nurse. I tell you know nothing sets me off than a man crying, even now It breaks my heart thinking about him and that there was no one with him. So, you know what, my big pants (new ones) are on! I will make sure I don’t moan (well too much) again walking into that ward because it can always be worse, and likely will become worse as my treatments go on. So I will say to myself, well love, it’s going to be better than the next time! I wanted to write about how I and people close to me reacted to the shave but I first want to tell you about the crazy people who also shaved in support of me losing my hair. You see I have this army, Creina’s army at my work. They arranged to do a sponsored shave. I initially wanted to take part but was advised to do it when I was getting my wig. So, a Sunday after I finished shift we had a coffee morning and some crazy people got their head shaved, full heads and undercuts.
I was very clear to point out if I didn’t have to shave my head I wouldn’t and they are all crazy, but they went ahead. They look amazing and they’ve not told me if they hate it yet! £180 was raised for Macmillan and I was so proud, I welled up a few times during the day. Ross, my husband has been getting the razor to his head in support, we’ll see if this last during winter! You see the support you get from people it amazing and people really want to rally round you. The first day out with my wig was at work on the Saturday. I was a bit nervous, complete opposite to my usually show my new hair off feeling. It was warm and a bit uncomfortable by the end of the day but people really liked it, some thinking it was my hair, they could have been lying but I’ll take it. The person I worried about the most was Noah, my three year old. He is quite sensitive to things, doesn’t like me wearing dark lipstick so I was worried about his reaction. Safe to say he doesn’t particularly like it. I said I got a hair cut like dad but I have new hair too. He asked me to put my new hair on, and does so every once and a while, but he is definitely getting used to seeing me without hair, and pats me on the head like I’m the dog! I don’t know if I will ever wear scarfs out and about, the wig is quite comfortable outside, when your indoors it gets a bit warm. I walked to the bins without anything on the other day and my neighbour nearly died (she doesn’t speak to us), but even then, I felt very self-conscious. I know it’s a temporary thing and not everyone will even know it’s a wig, I just haven’t made my mind up about it yet, maybe I never will, but I love how it has shown me what other people are capable of, and that’s pretty special. It's been a week since I went for the big chop. Tbh I was waiting to see how I was going to react throughout the week before I posted. I had always had the week beginning the 5th Sept in mind for my hairdresser appointment as I was told between treatment two and three it would start. It was the 2nd of Sept I noticed the hair coming out, so I braided my hair and tried to limit brushing etc. I wasn't upset at this point as I had lost hair after I stopped breast feeding both my boys. My hair regrowth from Oscar was only a few inches long. It did however, quickly, become annoying. A cuddle with the boys resulted in hair in their mouth, food prep, sitting up from the couch, it was everywhere. Even if I braided, tied it in a bun, I though how can hair escape but it did. Also, I have loads of hair so realistically I could have my hair coming out for weeks with no-one really noticing. By Tuesday I was brushing my hair before I showered and still blocked the plug hole. I couldn’t wait, knowing it will eventually need to be done. I had already picked my wig, shoulder length, auburn and with a fringe. I had similar hair to this before but didn’t manage the up-keep. Good thing about a wig, fringe doesn’t grow into your eyes and no roots! The color was called “Irish Spice”, made me smile so I had to go for it! Ended up going with my husband and made it into a date night, which rarely happens in our house.
Dougie from Sheds in Dunfermline is amazing, and everyone says so! We were in good spirits, standard, “Well if Britney can do it!” We chatted about all the celeb melt downs while Dougie carefully shaved my head, carefully removing strands before they fell on my lap. It was done, and I kind of liked it! I had a Sinead O’Connor look about me and no weird shape to my head or birthmarks. Ok I wouldn’t op for the shave look but it was here and I looked in the mirror admiring my contoured check bones and newly dyed eyebrows. Not too bad at all. He then fitted my wig and cut into it a little to give it some movement. The problem with wigs thy look very sleek and too good to be true in my opinion, so glad I got it styled a little. Thirty minutes in total and I was done. New wig and new look. It was a bit surreal. I didn’t have the light feeling you get after a blow dry, it felt like I was wearing a tight hat, but I liked the way it looks. I’m not going to say I love it, because I don’t, but I didn’t need to love everything about this, do I? So this is the reason I wanted to write a blog. The information, where is it?
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March 2021
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