Feeling good when writing this evening, neighbours have an open fire, so I'm here in front of my sitting room window with a lovely hint of fire smoked air! Reminds me of the many a night spent in front of a fire at my dear friends the Edwards....
So yes I am home, and what a relief and joy it is. I can just feel the calm it has had over my family and myself aswell. The ladies in the hospice were amazing there, but also the support in getting me here...you are my angels! And to the men who got my in the house my knights! Thankfully the transport was four muscle men, cause lets face it I'm not the smallest of people, in my head I was thinking "light as a feather, light as a feather" but in reality its more a slab of dead meat(Gentle reminder can't move chest down!). Honestly after a rather uncomfortable ambulance journey, the rest was mostly open laughing. There are 14 steps into my flat, I knew it wasn't going to be easy. It started with knight ones belt buckle getting looped into my front door handle, chair wasn't going anywhere as it was already in, so step one, was undoing his belt right behind the chair, well I couldn't help it, the inappropriate comments started between myself and the others! Once un-looped and redressed the were fab and got my upstairs. be it with a bit of heavy breathing. Positioned in front of the bed for a swift swoop across, 1,2,3...the sheet had another idea and wrapped around the chair so I ended up with my head on one knights lap and my legs on the other....still dignified it was very graceful...but we all just laughed and spoke of our instant bond! The jovial atmosphere spreading to the four palliative care team who were here waiting for me and my husband, Laughs and giggles all round, and suddenly there I was lying in a hospital bed my sitting room in a blubbering mess, tears flooding my eyes and freely rolling down my face.....all I could say through my ugly crying was "I promise these are happy tears". I knew how much it meant to me but it was such a flood of relief and happiness I was so overwhelmed. I pull myself together in time to shout thanks to the men who were making their swift exit, but I hope they know I will be forever be grateful for what they have given me. The mood quickly went back to smiles and giggles, one lady who I meant in the hospice on Monday night had said she was in the community and had popped in that morning to say she would be there to meet me, and there she was welcoming me home. Some settling in, removing of the most unglamorous nappy (no other words to describe it) from my traveling...care plan discussed and off the ladies went leaving Ross and I at home. Ross was like a jack rabbit. Jumping to attention making sure I had everything I needed, everything to hand, he really is just awesome. Got a call from the school saying Noah had a sore tummy so of course I sent Ross straight up to get him, I couldn't help it! The plan was to have an hour or so ourselves, but Noah later admitted he saw the ambulance and thought it was me coming home, so maybe the tummy was real, maybe it wasn't but one thing is for sure you can't get anything past my boy! He got a quick cuddle from me before Oscar arrived home for his cuddles and I could just feel the tension release. I was smart yesterday I rested all morning knowing it would be a full afternoon and I'm glad I did, although tired I wasn't as bad as I had been even the day before. Today was busy speaking to banks, pensions, council, funeral directors, and of course, doctors and nurses but really productive so taking it easy this evening. We managed to speak to the boys too, Noah was asking pretty much as soon as I arrived yesterday so timing wise I am so glad we spoke to Catriona for family support when we did. We are focussing on saying that mummy has a disease, that it is not contagious, covid is a great comparison, just so they know if Daddy gets sick it's not the same thing, or I can't give it to others. That although mummy got better before I can't get better this time, that we don't know why, and we don't know what that will look like but we will talk to them and tell them when we do, so its very much focusing on where I am with the illness and so far it seems be what they need. A few questions but mainly they just say they are happy to have me at home for cuddles and so they can see me first thing in the mornings! We have all agreed turns on the bed is better, thankfully, but lets wait and see how long that lasts. Noah has been a bit more tearful and Oscar has been trying to push boundaries to see how far he can get away with, but even only two days home and some chats it's starting to improve, we are just figuring out our new norm I guess. Our story was in the local paper, Dunfermline Press today and I'm really happy how Clare put it across, it's still overwhelming the support and the attention it has caused. I wasn't expecting the cover either. My cousin described picking up the paper in Asda this morning and glancing and the cover and seeing our pictures and I could just see how it affected him, it's still sometimes all surreal, even for me. We really didn't expect it, I do worry what will be said to the boys in school and nursery by other kids, so we spoke to them a little about that as well. People close to me feel the blog beside it has brought people in on the journey with us. I hope it is the case, that I am showing you maybe the ups and of course the lows, that was the point of this was to communicate with whoever wanted to know what was happening and also for me to process my thoughts and make sense of what I can just by going through the process. However the outpouring of support, in words, faith, gifts and donations and people genuinely wanting to help my family, I truly feel like I have an army behind us and it has made such a difference to this experience. Symptoms wise, cold sweats seem to have stopped and as I said feel more energy than a few days ago. My right foot has started in involuntarily moving, not sure what that means, doctors aren't saying anything when I mention it, but although it can be very annoying, in my head I am thinking positive thoughts that the radiation has effected the tumours and given me time closer to the months prognoosis....I haven't had any update scans so I am holding onto faith and all the positive vibes coming my way! I think my family and I deserve that. Comfort wise I'm still good mostly pain free. Still trying to control bowel movements, probably the most embarrassing thing about the whole thing but everyone is amazing at making me feel comfortable. I've increased my meds try and stop them moving and then we can time them when to move, that's the plan anyway! Luckily I have my lovely scentsy warmer on to mask the smell....see I told you I would tell you the good the bad and the ugly or as Oscar says smelly lol! A four year old will just tell you how it is, but gives you a kiss and cuddle after and says, but I still love ya mom! Noah's tooth fell out tonight at bed time, and I was here to celebrate with everyone, we have all been watching this tooth for weeks, but he refused to let his dad aid the process! It was that moment I decided to write tonight, such a simple thing to be part of but I am just so happy I am here for it. So that is why for the poem, to try and find the beauty and happiness in the small things, because they can happen daily, sometimes you have to look for them, but they're there, even the smell of burning wood and a little baby tooth! So I am away to the land of nod, because my kids are up at 6am every morning, but I wouldn't rather be anywhere else in the world. x x Creina
1 Comment
Debbie Mackay
5/3/2021 07:21:18 am
I admire your strength so much Creina . I met you a couple of times , at Emma and Allans wedding and at townhill park again with Emma. I have been following your blog and it’s truly inspiring , you make me laugh (and cry). I will remember to look for the beauty in the small things in life Debbie xx
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