I wasn't sure if I was going to blog today, but the hospice tea and toast has kicked in and I am a bit more awake. The power that be Facebook informed me that it was today 4 years ago I got my mole, later to be melanoma removed. Crazy to think what has happened in that time, I honestly thought it was longer, and honestly, I know people have said it to me but you know what they were right, I have been through a pretty shit time and it has been exhausting.. Maybe I am just having a moment I don't know but I know I have put my loved ones though so much and they have loved me through it and I them. We done not bad, we made it a good 4 years, but if I told my husband three months before on our wedding day....so you know when we say in sickness and in health...well. I spoke previously about the guilt leaving them, but tonight I am feeling the guilt to have put them through so many hospital visits, operations, chemo, radiation, 999 calls, hospice visits....It's just a lot. They will say it's ok and I know it is, this isn't a pity party but this is my blog where I try and be honest in the moment and in this moment this is how I feel. I think it is important for them to know that I know they have been through this too, and there were just as part of this journey, they have the same right to feel angry and unfair and scared and just tired. I know we would do it again in a heartbeat and we will keep doing it for as long as we can, so I guess I want to say thank you for making this part of your journey, and I honestly think you are all so strong for doing so, and I love you. Its quite funny actually, I have spent most the day trying to get myself home as quickly as I can, feeling a bit two-faced right now because of it! It's looking like it may take till the end of next week at the earliest and I am feeling pretty stressed about missing my window to be able to manage to be at home so I guess you can say I am being a bit of a mixed bag tonight, but that 4 year notification has really thrown me. Don't get me wrong I am still wanting to go home, everything I said before it still true I want to be home with my family. The boys came today and it was much more relaxed, just chilling sitting on the bed, still kisses and cuddles and normal chat about school and nursery. Noah happy to be back with friends and was worried about his friend that was missing home. Oscar about the really funny kid that was new so he didn't know his name yet but he was the funniest boy ever apparently, but I think he is, but I am biased of course! I had the doors open watching them play and it just felt right. So I won't be changing my mind about going home, I guess they will just be around for the journey a bit longer, and I know they wouldn't have it any other way! I have had people ask about myself and symptoms etc. I have had involuntary movement in my feet, but nothing I can control, and I still can't move anything from the chest down so no indication yet of the tumours shrinking. Pain I am usually at a 2, so really comfortable. I have a weight on my chest as I have no muscle support so sometimes have to take a bit of a bigger breath but again not uncomfortable. The nurses have been amazing and I guess the hard part is probably more pride....luckily I am a 'It has to be done so lets just do it' kind of person, but I am being washed by these amazing people. I have passed faeces infront of too many people to count at this stage, which they are delighted about, "We cheer about these things in this job lovey" honestly nurses are a special type of person an actual gift, but still I try and just compartmentalise that part of my day and forget about it as quickly as I can. There are hoping to use medication to make it a regular thing, as in planned using suppositories when I am at home. I was having bowel problems after my first surgery so Ross has already been there and has been amazing, I couldn't be more lucky as this is a major factor in me getting home. I have never gained control over my bladder but the catheter hasn't caused any issues thankfully. My skin apparently is good and intact, I had a foot massage at the hospital, good for skin and circulation but I couldn't feel a thing which I thought was funny, but had a lovely chat with the lady. She studied at Napier University as well after she started massage to help her son with autism try to have a restful night, I also got some scent sticks as well which I have been using to relax and for breathing exercises, I have a soft spot for scents so I think she was excited about my enthusiasm and I got a couple extra popped on my table. So as long as things stay like this I should be good to get home. I am speaking to Children and Family services on Monday to help us, and help us talk to the boys. I have memory boxes and cards here that I am working on as well, so I am keeping busy with the things I want to do. I am paranoid about my mental state changing quickly and there is many things I want to do but I am not putting pressure on myself to do it, what will be will be, I can't stop time. I was thinking today about time, as you prob can tell, and how I turned to writing when my mum died and went back to writing now, and then I thought of my favourite Shakespeare Sonnet I guess I feel that is writing, I can beat time, my words and thoughts will last. I am wanting to write letters to the boys but its hard to imagine them at 18 when to me they are 4 and 6! I also then thought about the blog. I am putting a lot of my life and thoughts out there, but it is not just mine. My family are quiet, we are not loud people and here I am putting our lives out for everyone to see. I will have left this life but my family will still be here. I spoke to my husband today about it and he is 100% supportive, that it is my story and if I want to share it I should feel free to do so (I know right, he really is awesome!) but that is now, where at this time it seems all consuming, which in truth it is, but it would be with or without the blog. This way we are so open with our feelings, we have opened conversations that are difficult to start, and I still feel sharing my, our story was right at this time. However in the words of the sonnet my words will last, what will it be like for my husband, for my sons to read them, 2, 5, 10 years down the road. It was a question I was thinking about today. I would love to hear my mother and fathers thoughts when they battled cancer, I was a teen and very much sheltered from the situation, but I am curious in nature. What if my kids want to know but not necessarily want everyone to know? Well I guess I buggered that if it is the case, sorry boys your mum is a talker! No secrets here I'm afraid. At least I have kept it real, not like my Facebook updates, sometimes I look at them and just internally squirm, for many reasons but I have missed many an important time in friends lives because looking at their Facebook their lives seem happy where actually thy are going though it, sorry can't help but write a lecture somewhere in here! So if this blog comes back and causes any family any bit of grievance, I am sorry but I thought about it and wrote it anyway so I guess I have to put my big pants on and say this one is on me, my choice, but you choose to read it!
3 Comments
Sarah
27/2/2021 11:19:08 pm
People want more red fox.
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Lindsay
28/2/2021 06:58:57 pm
You have an amazing strength that just glows from you. Don’t let anything darken that glow because you are a true inspiration to many. I wish you the best and enjoy making every memory. Keep fighting ❤️
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Catriona
28/2/2021 07:50:56 pm
You are amazing women, so much strength and courage. I always love to see your lovely smiley face in the contact centre in the mornings, you brighten up any room your in. X
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