So strange to be back here again, I was just looking back on my blog and it seems both like yesterday and yet so much has happened since. Life was good I graduated with my bachelors of science and although couldn’t use it yet during covid myself and Ross was managing to work, even tried to buy a house more suitable for the boys but the mortgage offer was tiny due to covid and we were advised to wait a year. I set up my little craft business planted my garden with 225 bulbs and was looking forward to 2021 like everyone else.
I noticed a change to my scar in July and after antibiotics and monitoring and then a biopsy it showed the cancer had returned. I was terrified as anyone would be with a stage 4 diagnosis but had the surgery in my leg in October and had my all clear scan in Dec, it was such a relief and I was starting immune therapy to prevent recurrence as much as we can. I was frustrated but we managed to get through it again. With weekly sometimes multiple hospital visits a week I was relieved to be discharged mid January, just another bump in our road. We still had all our 2021 hopes and dreams and we were going for it! It changed quite quickly a week later I was suffering with some back ache, not really concerned thought maybe I was sitting strange, esp since I had a clear scan 3 weeks before. I woke up 31st Jan with numbness between my legs, off I pop to the Vic, was discharged to follow up with oncology, severe pain on the 3rd Feb, they thought it was constipation, but unfortunately a MRI showed the cancer had spread to my spine. It must have happened just before the surgery and it was too small to show on the scan. If only I pushed for a biopsy sooner, but tbh I don’t think it would have mattered. I mean we felt the morning of my surgery some change lower in my leg the week before scan didn't show so we removed so much more tissue than planned and everything happened so quickly and efficiently I honestly can’t see anywhere where this could have been prevented, and I hope that provides some comfort to people. I had my T10 decompression surgery 2 weeks ago and amazing apart from my bladder not working I walked out of the hospital with a cane and was happy back in my own home again. Not really knowing what was in store as I knew the cancer had spread but I was focused on hopefully regaining more mobility At this stage we were looking at 12months life expectancy but we were looking at it with hope and adventure, creating memories with the boys, lots of smiling photos, I really regret not taking more photos with me in them. I was managing a lot of pain, and wasn't able to lie down, sleeping in a sitting position and pacing for hours to try and relieve lactic acid and nerve pain in my legs, It was exhausting looking back. On Sunday I had called the hospital as I had new weakness in my thighs but I would still move and I had my appointment at the western the next day to start treatment so I was to call back if any changes, I was able to lie in the bed for the first time and I took the nice tablets that send me off to sleep and settled in for the night. I woke up after having the best night sleep didn't wake once and was pain free, reached over for my phone and thought, right kids are back at school we are at the western lets get going, and then realised I couldn't move. It was like there was a line across my chest and everything below was just numb. It was so strange I was just lying there and I felt a sense of relief and almost a new calm energy, which was maybe why I didn't freak out. I called Ross calmly and told him and I just said I am calling the cancer team because our main focus was we need to get to the western for treatment and how we were gonna get out of the flat without help was impossible. Thankfully some very strong ambulance men and Ross and a door taken off the hinges, managed to get my out of the flat and to the Vic, where further scans showed a mass growth on my T2 spine but also the T10 growth had already regrown despite being removed 2 weeks prior. Quick transfer to the western in Edinburgh I have completed a strong blast of radiation to both areas in the hope they will at best shrink the growth and I can regain some mobility back. It's strange to say and I am sorry most are finding out through this blog but best case scenario at the moment I will have a couple of months left here with you fine people and I will continue to be comfortable for the majority of it, but who knows what can happen, and how quickly things can change. Its strange knowing you are going to die and how you deal with that news, Its very surreal. I tried googling but it is all bucket lists or metaphorically speaking. I guess all I can do is do what's right for me, I am as always focussing on the positives, I can text and type, I can eat and drink good food and enjoy conversations, I can talk to my boys which I am hoping to speak to macmillan tomorrow about and support them for as long as I can and I can tell people do you know what, yes I will have regrets, I wanted the house for the boys, I wanted to leave us better financially, wanted fecking life insurance but also that I am so so happy with my life, I have experienced so much love and support from friends and family. Ross, truly is my best friends and makes me laugh more than anyone, I have two amazing boys who won't always make the right choices in life but have people who will love them and support them. I feel self worth which is hard to find, I do try and be nice to people and see their cross they carry and not compare it to mine, hey I am far from perfect I have hurt people in the past, but I am happy to where I got. I can let my family know what I want going forward and I can to an extent make it a bit easier with what's to come. Anyway while I can I will continue to write updates and no doubt some rambles but feel free to read or not to read and please comment if you would like. Thank you to my sisters who have set up a go fund me page to help with the coming months and funerals costs etc and to everyone for your emotional support and messages although it is hard to reply to you all as I said it feeds my soul hearing from you all x x gf.me/u/zkgbjs I would appreciate giving my family time to process everything that's going on, as I know not everyone would have shared this socially like I have chosen to do but I also want to make the most of this opportunity to talk to people while I'm here and able x x Lots of Love, and be kind to each other. Creina x x
65 Comments
Rena Holmes
24/2/2021 07:58:40 pm
I love and admire you so much. You are beautiful inside and out. Stay strong my lovely and never ever give up. Miracles do happen. Xx
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Lynsey Cathcart
24/2/2021 08:02:37 pm
You are such an inspiration Creina. A beautiful woman inside & out. Stay strong and stay positive. Sending you all our love ❤️
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Karen Mitchell
24/2/2021 08:05:08 pm
You are an amazing lady & I’ve loved laughing & crying with you over the last almost 2 years
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Ruth
24/2/2021 08:05:59 pm
Oh my Creina. I have no words. You are definitely one of the strongest people on this planet and I just dont know how you do it. You are truly inspirational! And definitely one of a kind!
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Niamh Gaine
24/2/2021 08:15:40 pm
Creina, much love. thinking of you and of your boys xx Niamh Gaine Mallow
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Fiona
24/2/2021 08:20:04 pm
Read this thro lots off tears... You are an amazing woman! Amazing wife and one off the most wonderful mummas in the world! 💙💙 I have known Ross since high school and met u few times in Dobbies... Always happy and the way the kids looked at you... Wow!! Mummas their world. Stay strong hunny. Xxxxx
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Fiona
24/2/2021 08:27:54 pm
Creina your are one in a million. Your positivity blows everyone away. Iv loved every minute I’ve spent with you over the years with Ross. The drunken train journeys home with those random bunch of kids singing & dancing on our table always make me Giggle. Please stay strong !!
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Jane Allan
24/2/2021 08:28:23 pm
You inspire me to be so positive gorgeous lady, so strong and positive throughout this journey. You should be so proud of everything you have achieved, I once told you I wanted to inject everyone with your positivity and that apples now more than ever !! Stay strong ... Love and huge hugs to you Ross and the Boys xxxx
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Deborah
24/2/2021 08:41:06 pm
It’s been a long time since I last saw you Creina. I think it was on a train once a good few years back and we were chatting about what you were going to be studying. Before that it was a fab New Years Eve night out which started at Ingrids house. I was there with Lanah and Helen. I just wanted to leave a wee message to say that we’re all here to chat anytime! Don’t expect any jokes from me though! Mines are shocking and I wouldn’t subject you to them. Lol. In the meantime keep being that beautiful strong women that you are. Speak soon. X
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James Grubb
24/2/2021 08:54:31 pm
So sorry to hear this Creina but reading this shows me how strong you are and how caring you are you are so brave and to write this so everyone can read is so inspirational, thinking of you the boys and Ross love James x
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Tracy
24/2/2021 09:02:49 pm
Creina , You are such an inspiration not just to me but to everyone who meets you. Your boys and Ross have a beautiful mummy / wife who has created memories of love and laughter in a very happy home.
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Alex G
24/2/2021 09:16:33 pm
I remember some of my early days back when it was the TTC, I was nervous but you were always there smiling & making all us newbies feel like we could conquer anything. Not to mention that you were the life of the Christmas nights out when Pitbulls Fireball came on!! You’re one of the strongest & kindest people I know & the world needs more people like you. Stay strong & much love x
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Louise Allan
24/2/2021 09:18:33 pm
Reading this is heartbreaking! Your are such a strong person and an inspiration to everyone! Its so brave sharing this with everyone! Thinking of you all. Take care xx
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Inez
24/2/2021 09:25:51 pm
You are the bravest lady I've ever met. I can't believe this is happening and have no words. Always in my thoughts x x
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Rachel
24/2/2021 09:36:59 pm
Creina, can't believe I lost touch with you and Ross then find out this...sending love and hugs to you all.
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Claire swan
24/2/2021 09:43:17 pm
You are a strong woman Mrs and u are an amazing friend too it’s been a while since I seen u and the boys on the bus heading to town xx we love u and miss you and the girls say hi xx stay strong xxx
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Leah
24/2/2021 09:43:58 pm
Creina. I have lost touch with you over these past few years only to stumble across your blog. Words won’t express how strong and beautiful a woman you are. You lit up many of my days throughout our shenanigans at the TTC. Not to mention the Christmas nights! Sending you so much love. Love to you and your family! Xxx
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Mari-Anne McGregor
24/2/2021 09:44:30 pm
What a magical and special lady you are x
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Chris B
24/2/2021 09:48:00 pm
Truly incredible how going through this unimaginable situation and you have such courage and strength not only sharing your story with such honesty but also with the way you have acted throughout.
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Katie Bennett
24/2/2021 10:14:44 pm
I'm so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through Creina. You are so lovely and you made me feel so welcome when i started working with you and you were constantly happy and positive in the office! Stay strong and take care xxx
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Ashley
24/2/2021 11:09:30 pm
Hi Creina, we briefly worked together at the TTC but I have such lovely memories of your beautiful personality and looks to match. I am sorry to be reading this. I am sure your light shines bright in your boys xx
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Mel
25/2/2021 01:47:31 am
Hi Creina, I’ve typed and retyped this message so many times, not knowing what to say - I’m actually lost for words. We sadly lost touch after DBS and it was only when a mutual friend shared your go fund me page on Facebook earlier, that I realised this heartbreaking news was about you. Im so sorry that you and your family are going through this unimaginable time. I always remember you at DBS as being such a beautiful person, so kind and cheery, and so incredibly funny. You are an inspiration to us all. Stay strong Creina. You are all in my thoughts and I send you all my love. Xx
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Sarah-jane
25/2/2021 06:55:19 am
I read this through tears you are such a strong inspirational woman and I'm sending prayers and love xxxxx ❤❤
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Suzie swift
25/2/2021 07:49:24 am
Hi Creina so sad to hear this news it’s heartbreaking. We use to work together in DBS. You were in direct and I worked in training. I remember we use to laugh about how people would call you ‘ Cerina ’ instead of Creina. Your such a strong, positive, funny person. I think it’s amazing that your doing this blog. Sending you and your family lots of love and big hugs to your two lovely little boys. Suzie xxxx
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Susan Lane
25/2/2021 08:11:55 am
So sorry to hear this Creina. I remember our school days. Sitting beside you in 5th year German class. Often getting given out to by Miss Mullins for talking and laughing! Try to hold on to that sense of humour. Thinking of you at this difficult time. All the best to you and your family. Susan xxx
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Michelle Fraser
25/2/2021 08:59:25 am
Hey Creina, your blog is heartbreaking and inspiring, I am reading it through tears and feel blessed to know you. You are a kind,, beautiful and strong woman, Ross and your boys must be so proud of you . Thinking of you, love you to and your family xx
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Sarah
25/2/2021 11:33:25 am
Much love to you honey, and all the family. Your love and strength shine through in your blog and in everything you do. Brave and beautiful soul, lots of love Creina. XxXx
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Louise Mackay
25/2/2021 12:15:54 pm
Creina, what a courageous and inspirational woman you are. I met you while working at DBS, I was in Customer Support for many years. I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through, it seems so unfair. Sending all my love to you and your family ❤ xx
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Lizette
25/2/2021 03:01:01 pm
My Dearest Creina. My heart is hurting so bad at the moment. How do you say goodbye to such an amazing awsome person. Your wings are ready but we are not ready to let go. I will cherish every moment I had the honor of spending with you.. From the first time I sat next to you in the contact centre...to the beautiful red dress you wore to the Christmas night out and your beautiful smile that finished it off so beautifully. And then there was the time you held Devlen when I brought him into work and you mentioned how you love to rub and smell a babies head... And did the same..... The way call people "honey". It is so sweet. And the day we shaved our hair in the contact centre with Nezi. I am so honoured to have met and spend time with you. You are seriously one amazing awsome lady... Thank you for the person you are and always will be. I'm not saying goodbye...simply saying till we meet again.. Thank you for the fond memories you have given me.
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Laura Black
25/2/2021 06:56:28 pm
Creina, you have made me laugh, cry and almost wet my pants at times. You are one of the most special, strong women I have ever met, Your positive approach to your cancer helped me to remain positive through mine. Sending you a massive hug. Know you are an amazing wife and mummy, a supportive and loyal friend and colleague. Take this time to grow memories and plan with Ross what you want for your boys. Know you are very much loved. Laura xxxx
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Susan Davidson (Macher)
25/2/2021 07:43:32 pm
I still think back so fondly of your class as it was one of my first, you were always so bubbly, positive and supportive not only of your fellow students but of me starting out it truly was a pleasure. Still giggle at the thought of you and Cat at times. You are an inspiration for sharing these personal thoughts and it is so unfair for such a brave beautiful person to go through this. Take strength from everyone’s best wishes. Sending lots of love to you and your family. Xx ❤️
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Vikki Connolly
25/2/2021 09:30:41 pm
Creina, I have read your blog over and over with unstoppable tears . It is so truly heartbreaking to imagine the reality of this for you and your family. You have clearly been through so much over the last few years and yet you remain positive and inspiring. An extremely strong and amazing person. I have only fond memories of you from working at DBS and then shortly at VetsNow, as a warm, happy, friendly, kind and smiley person. My thoughts are with you and your husband and beautiful boys, with lots of love, Vikki xx
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Mick Rouse
26/2/2021 10:44:48 pm
For a change I'm stuck for words.
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Rory
27/2/2021 01:43:48 am
Hi Creina, I’m truly lost for words after reading such a heartfelt post, I really regret not getting to know you better during our time shared in the Contact Centre but you always went above and beyond to make me feel right at home especially during my early months by always providing me Lemsip when it was needed! Thank you for all your kindness and much love to you and your family xx
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Malishia
18/3/2021 10:54:18 pm
I have missed a lot on fb recently and just catching up with your blog. Awww Creina ❤️ I’m so sorry to hear the news!!! You are one strong, brave lady. I admire you strength. You are a lovely, kind hearted soul and I am sending you and your family lots of love. Xxx
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